Drunk blogging

The other night, my friend was scolding me because I was drunk-texting this person who seemed to be mad at me for some reason. I was quite sure that it was because around the same time last year, this person told me that mahal nya ako but that I couldn’t reciprocate the affection because I was still recovering from our break up. My friend was mad at me because I was too insensitive that I broke the person’s heart but that I was still demanding for an explanation why I was getting this cold treatment from that person.

And about an hour before, this same friend asked me if I still read your blog. Apparently my friend follows one blog that included yours in a blogroll and he distinctly remembers your full name from the stories that I so generously shared around the same time last year. After his question, I simply replied: “No. I don’t.” And immediately insisted that he wouldn’t tell me anything about the stuff that he read from your blog. Almost immediately, my mood changed and I requested that we went home around an hour earlier than the past nights, er, days during the holidays. And on the way home, the only thing clear to me was that I was never really over you, even if it had alreasy been more than a year since you told me that you weren’t happy being in a relationship with me, and broke my heart.

Before I met you, I was sure that, as a friend told me, I was not capable of loving. In fact I was really sure that I would not find someone who’d make me sacrifice my cherished independence. At 29, I found the one I had been waiting for. My regret was that I was not enough to be the one for you. I know that we’d never be each other’s again, despite your promise that you’d return to me, because I know that you’re one who’d never dwell on the past. I’m sure that you never read the blog that I started because of you. I’m even more sure that you never think of me at all. And it makes me even smaller to say that I still think of you every day.

How could I not when every morning I get into the showers, the only thing I think about is what you’d always tell your bestfriend, that the reason why you loved me was the fact that I don’t take too long in the bathroom? And my legs.

I’m a very proud person. You knew how competitive I’d get. But I tell you that you’ve made me concede to beinh a sore loser. I’ve had three wonderful opportunities to be in a relationship with three wonderful souls in the past year, but no one could ever take your place. Perhaps, the reason why I waited for yoh for so long is that you were the one for me. It just kills me to know that I wasn’t the one for you.

At 6am, I am quietly crying inside the room I’m sharing with my sister here at our home in the province. This sister of mine would move mountains to keep me from hurting. And I could not tell her about you. I could not tell anyone. The alcohol now, like the tears the flows from my eyes, is my only refuge. My only companion to urge me to punch on these constrictive keys on my smart phone and expunge to the world these feelings I’ve been keeping inside for a year now. But come to think of it, I’d much rather implode to death and be over with this. YJ would kill me if he found out that I even managed to think about you. I hope he would.

I am still so mad at you. And I know for a fact that I still do because I still love you. Even if i know that I shouldn’t. Even if I know that you and I couldn’t be together anymore.

I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now. And I’m quite sure I’m going to dream of you again.

To anyone who’s reading, don’t mind the composition of this crap of an entry. It’s meant to be this way.

Love

I’m writing from a bus on the way home. Regina Spektor popped up on my iPod with this song I instantly had an affinity with first time I heard it while scouting for new releases in a record bar some year ago (yes, I’m still a CD guy). I am particularly haunted by these lines from Samson: “Samson came into my bed… Told me that my hair was red… Told me that I was beautiful… I cut his hair one night… He told me that I’d done alright and kissed me ’til the morning light. Kissed me ’til the morning light.” And in this state of some clarity of mind and quite serene moment, I broke down. In fact I always get mushed up when I hear the entire song. I’m not sad or longing. It’s just that I am just amazed by the immense love that this Samson had for his Delilah. She ruined him. Took away his very existence. And yet he still said that she did fine and even kissed her tenderly. How I wish we could still love this way. And yet, “The history books forgot about [them]. And the bible didn’t mention [them]. Not even once.”

I heard once from a good friend some passage from his favorite philosopher, or was it writer: “Love is not about relationships. It’s about searching for the truth.” Something to that effect.

It breaks my heart to know the truth.

Samson
Regina Spektor
from Songs

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn’t mention us
And the bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin’ on our heads
But they’re just old light, they’re just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I’d done alright
And kissed me ’til the mornin’ light, the mornin’ light
And he kissed me ’til the mornin’ light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn’t bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn’t destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

GROUNDED: A photo exhibit by the junior faculty of the UP-CMC. You’re invited!

Because the UP Chancellor will be having his investiture at 4:30 on the same day of our photo exhibit opening, we moved our event to 2:30 in the afternoon. I hope you can still come!

Dear friends, I am very happy to invite you to my first-ever photo exhibit (with colleagues from UP-CMC): Grounded. Opening event will be on Dec. 8, Thursday, 4:30pm, at the UP CMC Auditorium. The exhibit will run until Dec. 16. Below is our event release as posted in the UP-CMC website: http://masscomm.upd.edu.ph/college-secretary/grounded/grounded-photo-exhibit-junior-faculty-cmc-youre-invited. The event is also featured in the UP website: http://up.edu.ph/features.php?i=437. See you there!

Young professors from the UP College of Mass Communication (UP CMC) will stage a photo exhibit entitled GROUNDED: Photographs on Theory, Advocacy and Practice in Communication and Media at the Plaridel Hall Annex building lobby. The exhibit will open on December 8, 2011 at 4:30pm.

Full-time instructors teaching at the UP CMC’s various departments—who are also actively involved in social justice movements, mainstream media practice and/or scholarship, and/or various artistic communities—will be presenting different photographs showcasing their various “groundings” as teachers, scholars and advocates.

As their artistic statement implies, they are “media educators, practitioners, communication scholars, and public intellectuals who avow that theory should push the boundaries of practice.” Thus, they share their knowledge, experience, and sense of advocacy with their students who they envision to be the new breed of excellent, empowered, and socially responsible media-makers. Being “grounded” extends to the work they do, the issues they write about, and the examples they set. In their own words, they conclude that “We are grounded because our social practice is one with the Filipino struggle, never compromising, always for the truth.”

Participating in this photo exhibit are: Broadcast Communication professors Daphne Tatiana Canlas and Eli Guieb III; Communication Research professors Randy Jay Solis, Juno Parungao, Roxanne Girlie Cipriano and Aleth Gayosa (who also serves as the exhibit curator); Film Insitute professors Cenon Palomares, Joni Gutierrez and Libay Linsangan Cantor.

The opening will take place at the UP CMC Auditorium and the exhibit will be displayed at the CMC Annex building lobby until December 16. This is inside UP Diliman campus in Quezon City. The event is free and open to the public.

For questions or queries, please email janetwilight@gmail.com or a.a.gayosa@gmail.com.

Happy birthday to me! :)

Reflections while listening to Alanis Morisette’s That I Would Be Good:

Tomorrow, I’m turning, as they say, “last year mo na sa kalendaryo”, mid-age into my life. At this stage, birthdays begin to lose their  fireworks. Much as I still fantasize about being surprised into a gathering of all my friends where they would all profess how blessed they are to have me in their lives (kaya nga fantasy di ba?; Pasensya na, hayok lang ako sa mga surprise parties! haha), the coming anniversaries begin to rid themselves of the peripheries. This year will simply be just another bus stop in my life, reminding me that exactly two years ago, I was given a new lease in life.  That this year, I have surpassed yet another death, a very dark year in my life. And then we move on yet again. But hopefully, never to forget. And so this year, I remind myself that it’s all about giving back to the universe and celebrating what God created us to be. Enough of the childish selfishness . This year, I just promise to be good.

It’s Friday, I’m happy (and in love)

Today was especially happy. Mercury must be ruling my planets because as soon as I played my iPod first thing in the morning, The Cure’s Friday I’m in Love welcomed me to what was meant to be awesome day. And oddly, up to this point in the office, only feel-good songs would play on my iPod, most memorable being Da Coconut Nut by THE Smokey Mountain. The happy music made me enjoy my trip to school, aboard the MRT and jeepney instead of my lazy resort, the taxi. Today was pleasantly warm, and the sun sweetly bright. And I was surprised that my intuition led me to wear my Flash t-shirt matched with my very relaxed espadrilles. The cosmos truly was conniving to make this a special day.

I was in the office to work on my instruments for a research that I need to publish by the end of the semester. But I ended up watching my dance videos with some of my colleagues at the lobby. Their praises felt good and they reminded me that I do have gifts that I sometimes fail to remember.

Relatively more students said hi, and some even gave unexpected hugs (or was it I , in my infectiously happy state, who initiated the deed?), with big smiles and beaming eyes today. Friday indeed brings out the jolly juices in everyone!

Or was it just because this crush of mine poked me on Facebook? Or that I am chatting with another one in this other social networking site? But surely it has something to do with me watching Harry Potter and then maybe doing casino with friends tonight!

Earlier, I took a longer UP IKOT route for a good afternoon joyride around the campus, only to claim a check worth P600 for my services as member of the MA Comprehensive Exam last semester. But it didn’t matter, I was just reminded of how glad I am to have the favor of my colleagues in the department and college. And in a few minutes, I’m attending a general assembly of this new student organization that invited me to become their adviser. The officers are a fun bunch. I can’t wait.

In this alpha brain wave level of mine, I got a eureka moment about another publication opportunity that will surely eliminate one big pressure in my bid for tenure in the university. Now, I’m extra happy! And then minutes after, mom called to say how much they miss me at home. The universe is really overfeeding my soul today!

Oh, and a new email! I hope it’s about this new consultancy racket a colleague referred to me. God truly provides! Fingers crossed!

Today was especially happy. But the day is yet to end. The day is young, and so are we! But only God can make a tree! Yihee!

Lazy date with Lucky, my iPhone

I am the last person in the office. And Bruno Mars’ The Lazy Song plays on my iPhone, which also tells me that it’s already quarter to 8pm and that I need to drag my butt out of the office and into the gym, my only mode of movement these days. But “I swear I’m not doing anything.”

Suddenly, I hear Glenn Close’s voice telling me, using Neruda’s words: “to be still as though I am absent”.  And then suddenly Adele pops out to sing me a Lovesong and carry me back to that awesome night by the beach when I held the hand that “made me feel like home, whole, young, fun, free, and clean again”. The circling fire that we saw that night feels like the same heat that throbs in my chest right now. Heavy enough to keep me pinned against the wall, my seat stuck. Only fingers moving, reminding me that I am here and yet there. I wait for your call but you must be home and you won’t even bother until I move. But at this point, The Script tells me that I’m “the man who can’t be moved”. How can I possibly? I have already forgotten you.

Sure, I have. Even as Michael Buble now insists that I “play it coy, that it’s kinda cute, and that when I smile I know exactly what I do,” that same hand that held mine now writes “you are the only exception” for someone else. I hope that you will soon call because I already don’t need someone to hold my hand.

I remember you told me about Chantal Kreviazuk once. I look for her in my iPhone, but her beauty escapes me. What echoes is “I’m so lonesome, I could cry.” And I did cry silently that one night when we first met, while you were sleeping in my arms. Only now I won’t. Because I have never met you. “Cause I know the feeling we’re trying to forget, if only for a while,” Babe, from the iPhone, whispers.

It’s been an hour now and I’m still too lazy. The guard knocks on the door, ignoring the light that peers through the glass above that knob. I smile back and he gets the cue. I pick up my mug to drink. Fingers are now slowly drifting away. You still haven’t called. It’s okay; I don’t need you anyway. Besides, Neruda now waves goodbye: “If you forget me, I shall already have forgotten you.”

Still, tomorrow again, I shall wait for your call.

More testimonials

Randy is a guy that is luvd by every1. His comic character and constant sincerity about life make him a person that u always want to be with. But what’s even more wonderful about Randy is his rare sense of humility. I say rare coz a lot of people show false humility but I have been around this guy long enough to say that he is truly a humble person. So humble that he always forgets that he is luvd and admired by ever1. And I am here right now to remind him that he is always surrounded with people who care for him. It’s his birthday 2day and it breaks my heart not 2 be with him on this special day. It was during this date and 20 something years ago that God brought him into this world to touch people’s lives…to touch my life in ways that I could never express. I wish that smeday I’l be rich enough to fly back home and knock on his door and surprise him with a puppy in my arms. This little note will have to suffice for now. Dearest Randy Jay, u know I l (Kat Dingcong Hughes – October 9, 2004)

Kailan ko lang nakilala si Randy because of Lam-ang pero parang close na kami agad. Like his other friends have said, no joke and talent ng lalaking ‘to. But the best part of it is that he’s very humble, down-to-earth, n friendly. Dakilang side-kick kami ni Lam-ang-siya yung aso ako yung tandang. patalbugan kami lagi! upstager din yang aso na yan! oh and yeah hiyang hiya rin ako dito kasi he has to lift me in one of the dances.. m really sorry for that. kung puwede lang ako nalang bubuhat sayo eh.. haha…he’s always full of energy. when he’s depressed he does handstands and all.. nakakabaliw. im really excited to perform with this guy! n kahit di ko pa siya kilalang kilala im sure he’l be one of those few people i’ll miss the most after our shows are over. rak-on randy!!! (Ina Feleo – October 13, 2004)

Sir Randy is my teacher and my friend. Actually, he made me smile the first time I met him in class..super cool kasi, not intimidating. He isn’t stern, but I know he wants us to learn a lot. He’s unique, talented, and super down to earth… and recently, I’ve just found out that he loves the beach so much! I really like the way he carries himself, professionally, in the theater, & even in friendly breaks..he’s super hyper lalo na sa mga late-night story-telling sessions ;-p…Kakaiba talaga! Kitakits sir! ~EveRybOdy LovEs RaNdY~ =) (Li-An Delos Reyes – October 19, 2004)

si sir randy… este, randy pla (he hates being called “sir” pag di daw nya student) super bait and patient saming mga hamak n tao lang pag dating sayaw… hehe.. actually, kahit sinong itabi mo sa kanya sumayaw, nagmumukhang kawawa.. hehe:) mdali p ‘tong kausap.  saya kasama… yun lng po:) (Alys Serdenia – October 26, 2004)

He never fails to amaze me in whatever he does. Truly inspiring. Matapos makitang gumanap si Randy act bilang Balahibuhing Aso ni Lam-ang at isa sa mga taong-bayan, ginanahan ulit akong mag-rehearsals gabi-gabi. That’s the power of your performances, Randy. I’m glad to know that it won’t be the last time I’d see you acting onstage. At natutuwa akong ganoon ka pa rin ka-accommodating and sweet kahit matagal na tayong hindi nagkikita. Sa uulitin, dear! (Tricia Fermin – December 19, 2004)

RANDY= TOTAL BUNDLE OF ENERGY!!!! Hee hee hee. Spiked ata yung chocolate cake eh joke! Seriously, to describe Randy, I’d use two words: Amazing and Admirable. Amazing does not begin to describe the zest he puts into each performance and each brilliant move of his. What’s even more admirable about him is that off stage, Randy teaches others with the same passion, accepts each deserved praise with humility, and shares each laughter, chikka, and senti-ness totally I’d like to see your soulfull rendition of “Ako iyon” again!!! Love you, Randeeeeeeee!!! (Crisel Consunji – December 26, 2004)

sir randyyyyyy!!! he is one of the sweetest people i know.. ang swerte ni ina na friend ka nya! he’s such a nice guy,always pleasant, basta sober. hehe. inalay ko ang isa kong show para sa kanya>,ma-suklian man lang ang pagkamabait nyang tao. enjoy ang lahat ng warm-ups because randy leads. may routines pa yang nalalaman;) salamat, randy, for making my lam-ang days full of color,laughter,happiness, lahat na! sana maulit na soon!! (Jonel Mojica – January 5, 2005)

PARDS! sorry for not being able to watch your CADS concert:( anyway, four months have already passed since my last testi to him but im proud to say that randy hasn’t changed at all. kung gaano siya kabait at sweet nung una ko siyang na-meet ganun parin siya today. si randy ay napakahusay na dancer, pero bukod doon–mahusay siyang aktor! there never is a small role with randy. laging upstaging at benta. very generous! randy is a lot like me. (tama ba?) i just noticed we have lots of things in common. at alam na alam niya kung ano ang mood ko sa takdang panahon. diba no?:) Jonel ain’t lying, I really am very lucky to have him as a friend. Randy, uy, tapos na ang LAM-ANG, tapos na rin ang 3PO. Pero dapat labas parin tayo lagi oki? Wag mawawala.. tsktsktsk… ill miss working with you ebryday. :/ op bawal masenti:) awww… imagine, tama nga, magiging friend nga kita talaga ng husto. *big hug* (Ina Feleo – February 27, 2005)

When I first met him, I never thought that I would share much with Randy, but there was something that drew us together. We shared the things we liked in common, and ended up arguing over things we didn’t. Perhaps what I really like about him is that he lives his life with passion. It shows in everything that he excels in, and I admire him for that.

All the people who know him might say that he’s an excellent dancer, an intelligent student, a wonderful teacher, a funny, friendly, smart, sensitive, and unassuming guy. But I will remember him most for the talks we shared all this time that we’ve been friends it is in these moments where I get to feel a kind of kinship that makes me feel that I’m never alone.

I only wish that he’d stop thinking so low of himself, because in reality he is so much more than who he thinks he is. I’m proud to be his friend, and I guess everyone else would be, too. (YJ Montecillo – May 29, 2005)

i knew randy long before he could do arabesques and splits in mid-air. i knew him when he had his first ever performance in ateneo at the first ever acil party. he grooved to the tune of sayawe and i became an instant fan. i am really proud of what he has become now – a graceful and accomplished dancer, an inspiring teacher and i am still proud to be his fan and his friend. knowing u randy dear is such a blessing =) (Doc Jemmy dela Trinidad – February 25, 2006)

rj is one in a million.

(Chasky Bolido – August 31, 2006)

Randy Solis is One of the Most Inspiring and Talented teachers in the Ateneo. I’m really glad to have taken his class before I graduate. Keep it up sir! I salute you! (Don Padilla – February 15, 2008)

Hi Sir Randy! Clarise Ng here! I was spring-cleaning my email (slow day at work, hehe), and I saw some from our yahoogroups for your class back in 2006! I just realized that it’s been a while since my batch graduated and I do not think I have gotten around to thanking you for everything you taught us yet. So thank you! Your mentorship really meant a lot. You’re the best! take care sir! (Clarise Ng – April 17, 2009)